Misfile fanfic: Vacation with Mom

Based on characters and situations created by Chris Hazleton. All misfile characters copyright Chris Hazleton

The only downside of taking a vacation with her mother, thought Ash, was living up to her mother’s expectations. Her mother remembered having spent several previous vacations with Ash, probably doing typical mother-daughter “girl” things together. Since that horrible morning when Ash had awakened as a girl, she had avoided the most feminine articles in her wardrobe, including many sent by her mother. Actually living together for a two-week vacation before the summer job started would make that challenging. To make things worse, judging from the pictures her mother had sent, girl-Ash had been quite comfortable wearing skimpy bikinis and probably lots of the lingerie her mother had given her.

The first day, however, was very comfortable. Ash’s choice of a relatively conservative one-piece swimsuit on their first day at the beach elicited no comment, and the two of them spent much of the day catching up and laughing together, finishing with a quick bite at a fast food joint and a movie. Ash did find herself explaining that – no, Rumisiel was not really her boyfriend, and no she didn’t have one at present, and no again there were no boys at school she was interested in and no prospects. Her mother did finally seem to understand that boyfriend conversations were not going to be fruitful, even if she was not likely to understand why.

On the second day, they made it a point to get to the beach early enough to rent a beach umbrella – they had all been gone the day before – and headed for a table in a good location. Putting up the umbrella turned out to be easier thought than done, and they laughed at their own ineptitude in assembling what Ash thought should have been simple. For some reason, the umbrella was not cooperating. After several minutes of this, Ash heard a pleasant baritone voice behind her.

“May I help you ladies?” Ash turned and saw a boy about her age, middling in height and build. She thought that Emily might have called him, “cute” but his best feature was probably his smile.

Without waiting for an answer, he walked over to them and took the umbrella from Ash’s unresisting hands. “I saw a lot of people struggling with these yesterday. There’s no trick to them, they just a need a slight application of brute force.” And suiting the action to his words, he tugged the umbrella up and into its place in the table. Favoring them with yet another smile he said, “I’m just three blankets down if you need anything else,” and walked away, even as they shouted thanks after him.

The two of them gratefully dropped into the shade afforded by the umbrella and resumed their conversations of the day before. Ash’s mother had a way of making the life of a lingerie model sound hysterical at times. After a while, though, Ash noticed her mother gazing thoughtfully at the young man “three blankets down.” He was stretched out, sometimes reading a book, and sometimes staring out to sea. “He’s by himself, Ash,” observed her mother. “Maybe we should invite him to join us.”

This did not sound like a particularly good idea to Ash. After years of wishing she could meet her mother, Ash was not about to share her with a stranger. And then she had a horrible thought – given the boyfriend conversations of the day before, could her mother be thinking of ‘helping’ her social life along? “He’s probably just waiting to meet some of his friends, Mom,” she protested. “He’s not going to want to sit with a couple of strangers.”

“Then he’ll just say ‘no.,’” replied her mother. “See if he wants to sit with us.”

Reluctantly, Ash walked over to the young man and stood over him. “Excuse me,” she said, “would you like to sit with my mother and me?”

He looked up in surprise. “Well, thank you. Yes, I’d like that very much. That’s very kind of you.” He stood up, shook his hand free of sand and extended it. “I’m Adam Jacobson.”

“Mrs. Upton, I appreciate your invitation,” Adam said as they reached the table. “And I’m glad your daughter told me who you were. I had assumed the two of you were sisters!”

The compliment elicited pleased laughter from Ash’s mother. After a few pleasantries, Ash pulled out the magazine she had brought with her, and buried her nose in it to avoid participating in the conversation more than absolutely necessary. She half-heard Adam explain that he had a summer job in the area, and had driven down from New York a week earlier to relax before starting work.

Ash envied the ease and confidence Adam displayed. Most boys their age tended to get very flustered around girls, and, as a boy, Ash had been particular nervous in those circumstances. Adam, by contrast, seemed very much at ease, flirting casually with Ash’s mother, and giving Ash herself smiles, as if letting her in on a joke, but not coming on so strongly that she would become uncomfortable.

“I need to call the office,” said Ash’s Mom, suddenly excusing herself. “I’ll be back in about fifteen minutes.”

As they watched her leave, Adam shared another one of those wonderful smiles with Ash and shook his head. “Parents can be embarrassing, can’t they?” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you really think that she needed to call her office right now? She’s leaving us alone together. This is a set up – and I don’t think you like the idea.”

Ash certainly agreed with that. “Don’t take this the wrong way,” she said, “but I don’t get to see my mother that often, and that’s really why I’m here, not to meet boys.”

“That’s all right. I won’t stay very long. So what are you reading? Oh – you’re a car buff?”

“You could say that,” she answered brusquely.

The smile broadened. “You make it sound as though I’ve insulted you. If so, I’m sorry. I don’t know much about cars. To me, a car is just a way to get from one place to another comfortably.”

Ash was surprised. Her friends usually made a big thing about their cars and knowledge of them, even when they didn’t really know anything. But this boy felt confident enough to admit lack of knowledge and was somehow not diminished for it. He was – more mature – and easy to talk with, and that spelled trouble. Ash realized suddenly that she had not faced this situation before. She had not had to spend time talking with a boy who might be trying to flirt with her with no obvious distractions. Colin had been easy to put off – he was so pathetically eager that all she had had to do was slap him down like a wayward puppy and leave the store. This boy seemed too poised for that, and had been invited to the table by her mother, so might be more difficult to get rid off. For all of his idiotic talk about being her Canadian exchange student boyfriend, Rumisiel’s claim had kept her from having to deal with flirting. Maybe it would work here, as well.

“Yeah, my… boyfriend doesn’t know too much about cars, either.” Ash nearly choked while saying it.

“Your boyfriend? Ah. And your Mom doesn’t consider him ‘quite’ suitable?” Adam grinned at her, conspiratorially. “So if you chase me away, she’ll just go find somebody else, right? Tell you what. I’ll stay and chat for a while with you and your Mom and give you some camouflage. Keep her off your back. I won’t hit on you; I’ll just talk and enjoy the scenery.” As he said it, Adam gave her the briefest of smiles and turned his head to the beach. Ash shivered only slightly, able to persuade herself that he had not included her in his talk of ‘scenery.’

“So, tell me about your interest in cars. What kinds of cars do you like? What do you want to do with them? You see – I don’t even know enough to know what kinds of questions to ask.”

Ash laughed slightly at that, and explained about her XR4Ti and her XR hybrid, how she had fixed them up, and how she had used them in her races. He seemed lost when she went into technical detail, but was clearly impressed at how she had persevered after losing races to Tom and to Kate, and then came back to beat both of them. As she expanded on the subject, she watched the waves and the sand and the bathers with him. There were quite a number of attractive girls in bikinis to watch, and Ash lost herself in admiration while talking, until she noticed Adam giving her an odd look. She flushed, guessing what he might be thinking.

“What is it?” she asked.

“You – the way you’re… you know, my sister used to do that, too,” he finished awkwardly. “Please. Forget I said anything. You’re a very interesting girl, Ash. There’s something I can’t quite put my finger on about you.”

To her intense relief, Ash saw her mother returning. “I do hope I’m interrupting something, kids, “ she called.

“I’m afraid so, Mrs. Upton” replied Adam, with wink. “I don’t know how I am going to be able to focus on your daughter with you here.”

Ash winced slightly as her mother laughed and nudged her. “Don’t let this one get away, Baby,” she stage-whispered.

Fortunately, Adam turned much of his attention back to her mother, and Ash was left to think. “I don’t know how I’m going to do this,” she realized. “Mom expects me to act like the girl she knew from the last few years. Can I tell her the truth? How would she react?” She felt very small and inadequate, “Why is this taking so long? Why hasn’t Rumisiel been allowed back in? If I only knew how long I was going to have to endure this! I need – desperately – to call Emily. Why can’t every day be like yesterday? That was easy. But two weeks of this?”

She came out of her funk long enough to realize that she had somehow become the topic of conversation, as her mother described, to Adam’s evident amusement, some slightly embarrassing incidents of the previous two vacations. Much as Ash wanted to hear about what “she” had allegedly done, she didn’t feel comfortable having herself discussed this way.

Hastening to change the subject, she interjected, “Does your family come here a lot, Adam?” and then flushed when the two of them turned to look at her.

The young man’s face grew serious as he paused before answering, “I – actually, I don’t have a family. They – about a year ago, I received a call from a lawyer telling me that my parents had been killed in an auto accident in Rome, where they were on vacation. As their only child… they set up a trust account for me. I have enough money to live reasonably well. And it will pay my college tuition, and a bit more.”

Ash bit her lip, “I am so sorry. I guess it wasn’t the best thing to bring up.”

“No, it’s alright.” He stroked his chin, a bit distracted. “It’s happened. When things happen, you just have to grieve and then move on.”

Ash and her mother looked at one another. “Would you please join us for dinner tonight, Adam? I was going to take Ash someplace a bit upscale, but if you don’t have a suit…”

To Ash, Adam’s smile seemed a bit wistful this time. “I came prepared. I’m going to be here for the whole summer, and I hoped to have occasion to go out once in a while.”

In keeping with their plans for the evening, Ash and her mother left the beach early in the afternoon and returned to their room to shower. As Ash toweled off, her mother held out a black dress, smiling. “I think this will fit you. Why don’t you try it on? And if it doesn’t, we still have time to go shopping!”

Ash felt herself going beet red – she had avoided wearing any dresses or skirts at all since she became a girl, and this was not only tight-fitting, but it was low-cut in front. Her mother saw her embarrassment, but misunderstood it.

“Yes,” she said, “this is the one I wore last year that you loved. I think you have filled out enough to wear it. Congratulations, honey! You’re going to be beautiful!”

The dress fit, but that didn’t curtail the shopping expedition. Her mother insisted that Ash needed shoes, and more dresses, and all manner of accessories. Seeing how her mother was enjoying it, Ash worked hard at smiling, and accepting whatever her mother suggested, but as she told Emily later, it is awfully hard to hold onto a mental image of masculinity when you are modeling frilly dresses for your mother and attentive saleswomen.

And then there was the make-up. Her mother was shocked to learn that Ash had no idea how to apply it, but insisted that no woman would go out for an evening without appropriate make-up. She made Ash sit still while giving her a basic evening ‘face’ and promised to teach her properly the next day.

Of course, that still wasn’t the worst. Her mother insisted on laying out lingerie for her to wear under the dress that made Ash feel as though she were being gift-wrapped for someone. “It will give you confidence, Ash”, confided her mother. Nobody else knows you’re wearing it, but you get a powerful feeling of sexiness to carry you through just about anything.”

And just to top it all off, Ash found herself jammed into high heels and carrying a tiny purse.

Feeling totally miserable, and unable to show it, Ash followed her mother into the restaurant that evening, where they found Adam and waited with him for their table. The restaurant included a dance floor, and their table was close to it, which did not please Ash at all. Something in Adam’s description of himself felt wrong, and her mother seemed to be way too trusting. And she was probably going to be expected to dance with Adam at some point, a thought that revolted her.

Dinner was nice, and the conversation was... safe. Ash participated as little as possible, while Adam and her mother went on like old friends, until the band came to set up.

It was an old-fashioned swing band, and when they started to play, several couples got up and started dancing. Ash estimated their average age as at least seventy, and tried to ignore the spectacle of wrinkles on wrinkles cavorting in slow motion. She was a bit surprised to see her own mother humming and nodding along with the music. “You like this music, Mom?” she asked in astonishment.

“Oh yes, “ her mother answered dreamily, “I used to dance with my father…”

At this, Adam stood up, “In that case, Mrs. Upton,” he asked, “may I have this dance?”

Ash watched in disgust as her mother giggled – actually giggled – in response, and was not particularly pleased to see that Adam seemed to be quite a good dancer. The two of them stayed on the floor for a second dance, and a third, and then returned to the table, out of breath.

“Oh you must dance with Ash next,” insisted her mother. Ash thought that she had blushed enough when she had donned the dress, but now found her embarrassment reaching new heights, exacerbated by anger at and suspicion of Adam.

“I don’t know how to dance to this.”

“I would be happy to teach you, Ash,” smiled Adam. She was beginning to dislike that smile.

“No, thanks,” she replied, tightly.

“Oh come on, Ash,” coaxed her mother, “any girl would love to have a young man like Adam teach her to dance,”

“I am not a gir-” started Ash angrily and then bit her tongue. If there was ever a time for such a revelation, this was certainly not it!

“Of course you’re not a girl, honey – you’re a woman,” agreed her mother. “A very mature and attractive young woman, who would truly enjoy dancing, if she would just take the time to learn.”

Ash shook her head, “I’m not dancing with him.”

“Ash!” exclaimed her mother in, horrified at her tone.

Adam stood up. “I’m really sorry. I seem to be causing dissent here, and I know this was supposed to be a vacation for the two of you. Maybe I should just go. Thank you very much for the dinner, and the dancing, and the conversation. Maybe we’ll see each other again in less stressful circumstances.” With a smile and small bow, he turned and walked to the exit of the restaurant, leaving Ash and her mother with their mouths open.

Her mother recovered first. “Ash, you need to apologize to Adam. We invited him as our guest, and you don’t treat guests that way.”

“Youinvited him, I have no intention – ”

Something behind Ash caught her mother’s eye. “Oh my gosh! Hold on a sec, honey,” she said, placing her hand on Ash’s arm. Then she half-stood, waving to someone, “Joseph! Over here!”

Ash turned to see two men, one about her father’s age and one in his late teens or early twenties, change direction and head toward their table.

“What a surprise!” the older one said, kissing Ash’s mother on the cheek.

“Ash, this is Joseph Torrelli, an old friend. I introduced you to him a few years ago. You remember my daughter Ash, don’t you, Joseph?”

“Not like this,” he replied, leering at her. “Oh and this is my son, Stephen. He finally agreed to take a vacation with his old man. See, Stephen?” he nodded to his son, “I told you I could find some hot women for us. Your old man’s got a nose for them, heh?”

Being addressed jarred the younger man into shifting his gaze away from Ash’s chest, where it seemed to have gotten stuck. “Uh, yeah. Hi!” he said, extending his hand towards her.

She shook it gingerly. Things were going from bad to worse. Even Adam was better than an evening of this. She really wanted to leave, but had no way to get back to the hotel on her own, unless… “Um, Mom, I need to hurry if I’m going to catch up to Adam and apologize.” She hastily excused herself from the table, only to discover that ‘haste’ was easier said than done in her heels.

“Damn shoes!” she thought to herself, stopping to take them off and run in her stockings. “Stupid dress!” she added as she discovered that it interfered with her running and that she risked falling out of the top.

She didn’t see him in the lobby, so she hurried out the front door and looked around the parking lot, and saw him just getting into his car. “Adam!” she called. “Wait!”

She had caught him just in time. He stopped, got out of the car, and looked inquiringly at her. At her gesture, he pocketed his keys and hastened to her side. “Come on, “ she said, grabbing his wrist and practically dragging him back to the table.

Stephen was clearly disappointed to see her holding on to another guy, but her mother seemed pleased. “Hey Mom, “ said Ash, quickly. “We’re cool here. Adam and I are going to catch a movie. I’ll see you back at the room. Come on, Adam, I need to change.” Adam looked curiously at her, but said nothing as she picked up the tiny bag containing her room key and dragged him back outside to his car.

Following her directions, he drove her to her hotel, parked and followed her to her room. “So, what movie did you want to see?” he asked.

“I don’t,” she answered. “Look…” she broke off, noticing the older couple watching them. “Come in for second.” With the door closed behind them, she explained, “I’m really sorry, but I just didn’t want to spend the evening with that creep staring at my boobs.”

“So, I shouldn’t look?” Adam smiled at her, sitting on one of the beds.

“No, and you are leaving in just a minute. We’re not going anywhere together.”

“Oh.” His face fell, slightly. “So you just used me to get out of an uncomfortable situation.”

“And you haven’t been using me?”

Adam looked confused. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re just so-o-o slick, aren’t you? You come onto my mother, pretending to be interested in her daughter, you give this sob story about being an orphan with no family at all, Mr. ‘my-sister-used-to-do-that,’ you dance like… well, pretty much every 17-year-old boy I know can do little more than flail his arms around. You’re a professional at this, aren’t you? And I’ll bet you’re much older than 17. You figured my mother for money, and you can’t wait to get your hands on it, right?”

She could see that he was off-balance, for the first time she’d known him.

“Ash? I have no idea what you are talking about. Everything I have told you has been the truth, or as close as I can get to it without an hour-long explanation. I suppose Susan is not technically my sister, but we grew up together, so I’ve always thought of her that way. I have been paying more attention to your mother, because she accepts it and you have been making it very difficult for me to talk directly to you. My driver’s license and birth certificate and both say that I am 17 – I don’t know what other evidence I can offer you. As for money, well, let’s just say that my inheritance hasn’t left me with a real need for it. I am working this summer because it’s a great opportunity to learn new skills, not because I need the money.”

“And the dancing?”

“Oh, they had an evening course at my school. I thought it would impress the girls if I could dance.” The smile was back, if a bit tentative.

Ash sank onto the opposite bed, considering. He made it sound plausible. Could she have misjudged him? “Well… I don’t know, you just seem a lot more mature than most guys our age.”

“I’ve been living by myself for while, remember? Even before… I lost my parents, I’d taken care of myself. You sort of have to grow up a bit faster.”

“I guess…” admitted Ash, feeling guilty. After all, she had been doing much the same thing, with her father away so much. But she had never learned the smoothness and confidence with other people that Adam felt. The boy that Ash had been before the misfile had been barely able to talk to girls he liked without stumbling over his tongue and alienating them.

“So we can be friends?” His smile looked inviting, and she returned it.

“OK,” she answered, embarrassed. “But we’re still not going out to a movie.”

“I don’t understand.”

She looked him in the eye. “I’m not… I mean, you’re very nice and all, but…”

“Oh. Right. He must really be something.”

“Who?” asked Ash, confused by the apparent change of subject.

“Your boyfriend.”

“I don’t have… oh, right! My boyfriend!” Ash remembered claiming Rumisiel as her boyfriend. “Um… yeah, he’s… really something,” she continued, lamely. She knew that she did not sound at all convincing.

Adam gave her a knowing smile. “Not a good subject, I see. What about the racing? Is that something you stop after high school?”

“Well, actually, I was hoping to make a career of it,” she replied, her dismissal of him somehow forgotten. “I’d love to become a professional rally racer, but I don’t know really what it takes. You probably need sponsors or a lot of money.”

Encouraged by his apparent interest, she leaned forward to stress a point and was surprised to see his eyes widen and suddenly shift to look past her shoulder. She was about to turn to see what had caught his attention when she noticed his finger stabbing urgently downward. Following his gesture, she saw the problem, slammed her knees together and tugged her hem forward over her lap, blushing furiously. “Crap! How do girls remember to sit like this?” she wondered – and then turned even redder when she noticed his reaction and realized that she had spoken aloud. “I mean – other girls,” she added, lamely.

She was not really surprised to see him staring in astonishment. “So, you speak of ‘girls’ as though you are not one, you told your Mom at dinner that you were ‘not a girl’ and at the beach, you were watching the girls, not the boys,” he observed. This was not helping her embarrassment at all. She just didn’t know how to cope with this kind of situation. Her parents ‘knew’ her as a girl too well to pay attention to slips like those. But Adam did not.

“It’s unusual, “ he continued. “I’ve heard of cases like yours but never actually met one.”

“What… what are you talking about?” asked Ash, cautiously.

“I don’t remember what they call it, ‘gender dys-’ something or other – but you didn’t think you were the only one, did you? I think it’s just a girl waking up one morning and deciding that her self-image doesn’t match her body. That she really thinks of herself as a boy. And it happens the other way, too, with boys deciding that they are really girls. Sometimes they get surgery. When did you first realize that you…?”

Inwardly, Ash breathed a sigh of relief. He had come so close to the truth, only to rationalize his way out of it. Fortunately, her real situation was too incredible to be guessed. Relieved, she was able to joke, “Well, it didn’t happen that way for me. My self-image is unchanged. I just woke up one morning in a girl’s body!”

He returned her smile, “As long as an angel didn’t show up and explain the whole thing away as a clerical error!”

She felt the blood drain from her face. He knew! Thoughts raced through her mind. He was a spy, working for Rumisiel’s bosses! All this time he had been toying with her! She looked for the look of triumph in his eyes and was shocked to see that his pallor matched her own.

They stared at one another. “You – didn’t laugh,” he finally forced out. “You knew what I was talking about, didn’t you? That is what actually happened to you.” He was rambling. Then he threw his head back in realization, “Omigod, I’m not the only one! Those bastards did it to someone else, too!”

“What?” She nearly shouted. Her head was spinning. “You were misfiled, too?”

“Misfiled?” he laughed, bitterly. “I was folded, spindled, and mutilated! Thirty years, Ash. I lost thirty years!” There was no trace at all of the smile he had worn for so long.

“What - what happened?”

He had a bleak look in his eyes. “I was a successful business consultant. Had a wife who loved me. Three beautiful children. Two girls about your age, and a son a bit younger. Well-respected in my community, made a lot of money in the dot-com bubble. Parents still living, two brothers and a sister. Plus their children.

“I woke up one morning about a year ago – had no idea where I was. I didn’t recognize the room. I thought, maybe I’m on a business trip – why don’t I remember? I don’t drink when I travel on business.

“Some hotels put out a local paper for you in the morning, so I thought I could check to see where I was. I found one – it was from Albany, New York, near where I grew up. But it wasn’t a hotel room. It was an apartment. I called my wife’s name, thinking maybe we were staying with friends somewhere – no answer. I was alone in the apartment. So I called home, thinking she or the kids could tell me what was going on. The people who answered the phone had never heard of us. They said that they’d had the phone number for five years.

“So now I was really getting weirded out. I called my parents – I figured whatever else, your parents can help you, right? And they answered. Man, was that a relief to hear my Mom’s voice! Until she asked who I was, denied ever having had a son named Adam. They had three children – my sibs were still there, but somehow… I wasn’t.

“Now, I rub my chin a lot when I’m stressed. About that time, I noticed something odd. I didn’t feel my beard – I had a beard and mustache – but now I didn’t. So I rushed to the bathroom mirror to see what I looked like. The face looking back at me was familiar – but it was one I hadn’t seen in decades. I looked like a teenager.

“That’s when I heard the voice. “I had to let you see for yourself. There’s been a bit of a botch-up.” I turned and there was this guy I had never seen, standing just outside the bathroom. I thought it might be the owner of the apartment, but it wasn’t. He said he was an angel – at that point, things were making so little sense – I got a bit hysterical. I made some inane comment, but he was serious. Did some trick with wings on his back. He brought me into the kitchen and gave me something to drink – not alcoholic, unfortunately. Said I wasn’t old enough to have any.

“He said that reality was just marks on a paper, or something like that, and then that somebody had been trying to clean up a set of files… and started shredding the wrong one – mine. Realized it part way through and panicked, just shoving my file back into the cabinet, which was the worst thing he could have done. I guess if he had told his supervisors, they could have repaired the damage, but once the cabinet closed, it made the changes happen. I was now 16 years old, and not just my body. According to everything that counted, I was only born 16 years before. My Mom had a hysterectomy 25 years ago, so she couldn’t be my Mom anymore. My wife married someone else, before I was even born. My kids… they were just gone, or changed, or something. Every single relationship I ever had was wiped out.

“This ‘angel’ said they did what they could. Things were easy to manipulate, so they found a way to give me a lot of my books and my money. They couldn’t give me new parents, so they just invented a story of wealthy parents dying in an auto accident in Italy, and provided the information to a law firm to contact me. Supposedly, we had all lived abroad for some time and I had just come back to the States for my last two years of high school. So we didn’t own a house. He showed me the letter that the lawyers would have sent me. And I was back in school! They fixed the records at the local high school to show that I was a transfer student and included my original high school transcript, with dates changed. They arranged this apartment for me. He wanted to make sure that I was satisfied, that I wouldn’t complain to… I don’t know. As if I would have known who to complain to. But bureaucracies are all the same, Ash. They exist for the purpose of making mistakes and covering them up.

“And there it was. I lost everything that really mattered. My wife, my kids…” Adam’s eyes were red, his voice breaking, “Debbie and Sarah were the most beautiful daughters a man could want, and Marc – the things that boy could do with a basketball, Ash! My parents didn’t know me; my sibs never heard of me, my friends didn’t remember me… What the hell good is all the money in the world if you have nobody to spend it on?

“My new neighbors recognized me by sight, but didn’t know my name. The apartment manager knew my name, but didn’t know what I looked like.

“I’ve never been a heavy drinker, but if I’d had any alcohol in the apartment, or been able to purchase any, I probably would have gone on a binge. As it was, I spent a long time under the covers crying my eyes out, feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t have an appetite, couldn’t bear the idea of trying to live as though there was a point to anything. I subsisted on what I found in the cupboard.”

He paused, exhausted by this litany of sorrows. “Oh, Ash, I am so sorry to dump all this on you. It’s just that I’ve kept it all bottled up for a year, and you were the first person I thought I could talk to.

“Finally, after days and days in a mental black pit, I figured out a trick – instead of thinking of myself as a 46-year-old man who had just lost his entire family, his career, and his reputation, I told myself that I had to believe that I was really who I appeared to be – a 16-year-old kid who’d had a vivid dream of what things might be like if he had been born 30 years earlier. I told myself that my wife and kids were just figments of my imagination, and that I was fortunate to have learned a lifetime of business and technical skills from my dream, that other kids my age didn’t have. I took stock of my assets – youth, health, and enough money that I didn’t have to worry about supporting myself. Lots of people have said things like, ‘if I only knew when I was younger what I know now.’ Well, I am the living example of that. I am younger and I know things that I knew when I was older – or rather when I dreamed that I was older. Have to keep saying it that way.

“I had plenty of time to kill before I was expected anywhere – school. Boy was that a weird thought. I considered going to see the family I remembered, but decided it was best if I pretended they didn’t exist. I don’t think I could have taken actually seeing them and having them look at me as a stranger. So I decided to see what I could salvage of my professional skills, instead. Maybe give myself a leg up on a new career.

“I set up a web site and posted articles on what I had learned, including some that I actually remember writing for clients in my ‘dream’, and offered to answer questions. When people found my site and asked, I gave away answers with no obligation, and asked them to pay me whatever they thought my answers were worth. It took a while, but eventually some people started coming back again and again and paid me in dribs and drabs because they wanted to keep asking questions. I could still do my job if anybody would trust me. I had to put them off when they asked me to consult in person because I didn’t want them to know I was just 16 – on the internet, nobody can tell how old you really are – but all in all I made nearly $30,000 last year. Not a patch on what I used to – ahem – what I dreamed I used to make, but pretty good, considering.”

“Yeah. Not that I need the money – but it makes me feel like I’m still me.

“School wasn’t too bad. I had a few weeks to get ready for the idea. Most subjects start out new each year except for math and foreign languages, and I remembered as much math as most kids do over the summer, and I’m reasonably fluent in French and Italian, so those were no problem. The girls found me a bit exotic and sophisticated, but I just found them really young and shallow. So I never managed to keep much of a relationship going.

“You see, Ash. I don’t need your Mom’s money. What I need is friends. People who give a damn whether I live or die.”

Ash felt a bit disoriented. She’d never had a stranger confide in her like this before, and it was hard to reconcile the images she now had of Adam as a boy her age, and as someone her father’s age, and as the parasite she had thought him. He seemed vulnerable and needy, and she didn’t know how to react.

He took a deep breath. “So my situation is – tolerable, now. Maybe – maybe I can help you. I’m a consultant, that’s what I do. What I used to do. I try to help people with their own situations. It seems to me that you need to learn what I learned. Stop thinking of yourself as a boy who got stuck with a girl’s body and think of yourself as a girl who knows what it might have been like to be a boy. Lots of girls your age would love to know how boys think – and you do. Assess your assets, Ash. You’ve talked about fixing and racing cars. How has that changed for you as a result of… this?”

“Not much – I think I may get worried a bit more as a girl, but I can still win.”

“And your Mom – I can see that she adores you. Did she love you more as a boy?”

“Actually… “ Ash gave him a rueful look. “I didn’t know her as a boy. She and my Dad divorced when I was three and I never saw her again. But as a girl, I sent her a letter and she responded. So now we talk and vacation together.”

Adam raised his eyebrows. “So one point for the girl, right? What about your Dad? Any friends? Did you used to have a girlfriend?”

“Well, I guess my Dad is a lot more caring this way… he used to pretty much ignore me. And I didn’t have much in the way of friends before, one guy I haven’t seen in a year, but now I have one very good friend. She and I talk all the time. As for dating… I just never found a girl to go out with – not that I didn’t want to, but –“

“I’m not seeing much in the way of a downside here, Ash. Your life sounds actually better this way.”

“Sure – but I’m a girl!”

“So??? Well, how would you like it?”

“It would take some getting used to – but when you have no choice, the sensible thing is to accept it and do what you can. You need to accept it, Ash. You’re a girl. As far as everyone knows you’ve always been a girl. You’re not a boy and you’re never going to be one again.”

“I will if Rumisiel – the angel who messed me up – can get back and fix my file,” she said, hotly.

“Color me skeptical,” scoffed Adam. “Bureaucracies exist to make and cover up mistakes. Not to correct them. But let’s say this angel makes good – what happens then?”

“Then it will all go away. I won’t ever have been a girl and I can just continue my life where it left off. I won’t have to deal with all this crap. Periods, and hormones, and dresses, and …”

“… And a Mom who loves you and a best friend you talk with all the time. If that happens, Ash, you’re dead. The girl sitting here with me, who has this wonderful friend, and takes vacations with her Mom? She’s gone. Oh, there will be a boy Ash again, but it won’t be you. It’ll be somebody else – somebody you might have been, but aren’t now. Do you hate yourself so much that you’d rather be dead just so that your father can have a son to ignore again?”

Ash found it hard to speak. “Are you saying you wish your misfile couldn’t be undone?”

Adam looked steadily at her. “I pray for it daily. Yes, it would mean that I would essentially be dead. But my kids would be alive. If you ever get your head screwed on right and have kids of your own, you’ll understand.”

“Have kids?” Ash laughed in derision. “In this body? As a girl?”

“Yes, Ash – as a girl – or more specifically, as a woman. OK, you got dealt a hand you didn’t want and couldn’t expect. You’ve been kicked in the teeth. You’re entitled to be upset. But you can’t wallow in it. How long has it been for you?”

“So it’s been months, and it’s time for you to face reality. I think your problem is, you grew up without a Mom and without a sister, and you have no strong female role models. So you have this 17-year-old boy’s notion of girls as weak and losers. I think if you talked to your Mom and your friend, they’d disabuse you of that idea. I’m not telling you to be a weak loser girl. I’m thinking more a Helen Reddy ‘I am woman. Hear me roar’-type.” He waved off her look of confusion. “Sorry – a bit before your time. Look. Let me give you an incentive. You get this figured out and come to me with a sponsorship plan for your racing, and I will find a way to get you funding. I have contacts. I can’t touch my trust fund for a few years, and I don’t know how soon you’d need it, but I’m sure we could work things out. But I won’t fund a quitter.”

“I am not a quitter!”

“You keep hiding from yourself and trying to be a defective boy rather than a whole, strong girl, I say you’re a quitter.”

“And why would you do this for me? You barely know me!”

“We have something in common, Ash. As far as I know, you and I are the only ones screwed by this idiotic system. That puts us on the same team - and I want everyone on it to win.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking!”

“I most certainly do. If you can do this – if you can focus on your goals and put pragmatism ahead of temporary comfort – if you can adjust to this – I’ll believe you have the strength of character to achieve whatever you want, and that you’re a good bet. If you wimp out…” he shrugged. “I don’t expect you to do it overnight. Or even before your vacation is over. Look. I’ll give you my email. You can let me know how it’s going for you. We can discuss ideas on how to make it work for you. Don’t you think It would be easier for you?”

“You mean liking showing off my body and liking guys and having them staring at my boobs?”

“Well, I don’t know about the last part – a lot of teen-age boys age are jerks. But there are some decent ones, too. You just need to be picky. Value yourself, and don’t settle for less than the right guy.”

Ash shuddered at the thought, but tried to bargain with him. “If I really think about it… would you be able to help my friend Emily as well?”

Adam shook his head in exasperation. “I’m not the Wizard of Oz, Ash. I’m offering to help you because of our shared situation. That’s not a blanket offer to everybody you bring with you. What’s wrong with Emily?”

“She was misfiled, too,” Ash said quietly. “She lost two years, something like you, but… She lost her acceptance to Harvard that she worked really hard for and now has to repeat junior and senior year all over again. And she’s really worried that she won’t be able to do it again.”

Adam’s intensity vanished quickly at the news. He seemed amused, and oddly uncertain. “Well. Hoist on my own petard. So there’s somebody else, huh? Given what I said, I can hardly say no. OK, Ash. You think about this and find a time to introduce me to your friend. We can discuss what, if anything, I can do to help her; although if you follow through, you should be able to give her my speech yourself.”

“Follow through… just give up my manly self-image. Easy as that, huh?”

“I didn't say it was easy, Ash, but that’s what I’m talking about. Something happens. You grieve. You move on. You’re worried about manliness? Manliness isn’t about what’s between your legs. Manliness is about facing challenges, living up to your responsibilities. Your parents have only known you as a girl. Your dad remembers you growing up as a girl, doing all of the things that little girls do – even if you have no memories of it, yourself. Your Dad expects you to be a daughter to pamper and pet. Your Mom expects a daughter to do girl things with, to giggle with. And… in ten years or less, they are both going to expect you to produce grandchildren for them. What are you going to tell them? ‘Sorry Mom and Dad, you should have had other kids – your lineage ends with me… give up on your dreams of grandchildren…?’

“And trust me on this one. You don’t want to give up on marriage and children. Being alone is really horrible. Some of the most miserable people I ever knew were people who lived to a ripe old age and had no living relatives.” He gave her a wry smile, “In this case, Ash, the manliest thing you could do might be to learn to be a woman!”